Emotional Growth or Emotional Crisis?
How can it be that emotions are both the source of our deepest satisfaction and authenticity, as well as our own private hell?
People get so mixed up around emotions and feelings. How can we sort all this out? It’s important. Our lives and our happiness depend on it.
Dying to Please
When I was 18, a male acquaintance invited me to go hiking in the mountains. He promptly left the trail, bushwhacking through brambles and over fallen trees. I followed, meekly assuming he knew what he was doing even though I felt uncomfortable.
After a time, we came to a ravine – and he unhesitatingly scrambled down the steep, loose rock. I felt a lot of fear; but seeing his confidence, I thought “I should be like him.” I started down, fearfully gripping the slope.
Before long, I started sliding out of control. Through some miracle and scraping my fingers into the rubble, I managed to avoid tumbling, but I still slid fast and eventually came to a halt against a rock, landing on my foot hard. After the immediate shock had passed, I limped my way painfully three miles back to the car with what turned out to be a broken leg.
Two weeks later, on a hike with that same companion, another man fell to his death!
I had nearly ended my life. Why did this happen?
It happened because I had been taught for 18 years not to listen to my own feelings but to give in to others to avoid “making waves.” I had put myself in lethal jeopardy by letting another person’s judgement override my own warning emotions of fear and foreboding.
Crises Are Opportunities
What’s the difference between an emotional growth opportunity and an emotional crisis?
Actually, there is no difference! The emotionally intense and often fearful experiences which come into our lives always point to opportunities for growth.
But our culture has an unfavorable bias against emotional expression. It denigrates most and severely restricts the rest.
The Words We Use
It’s okay for our cinema hero to shoot dozens of bad guys, but a man who expresses anger poorly at home will terrify his kids and may be fired at work. It’s okay for a woman to shed a tear with girlfriends, but at work it’s likely she’ll be told to “get control of yourself or take the day off.”
Our language reveals lots of negative bias around emotions. Who would want to “fall apart,” “freak-out,” “wig-out,” or have a “breakdown”? You probably won’t admit to having had a “panic attack” to a new acquaintance.
Men grow up hearing “she’s on the rag” when a young woman is moody or doesn’t please them. And a boy who reveals any hint of such moodiness will have his masculinity impugned with “wimp” and “sissy.” Women who assert themselves with more than the gentlest of emotions risk being called a “bitch” or told to “put a lid on it.” And words like “outburst,” “temper-tantrum,” “crazy,” and “explosive” may be used to describe anyone expressing strong emotions.
Emotional Expression
Is it any wonder we learn early on, at least in most families, to severely suppress our emotions, lest we make those around us uncomfortable and risk punishment or abandonment?
This is no defense of abusive emotional expression, such as hitting, raging, or verbal violence. That is harmful. But so are the ways that culture and family teach us that how we feel is unacceptable or shameful.
For a child trying to find their way through their young and often intense emotions, all this is very painful and confusing. By the time we reach adulthood, there’s a lot of mental and emotional noise in our bodies and minds about our feelings. It’s like trying to think clearly in the middle of a sheet metal factory. The din is just too much!
Uncovering the Treasures of Your Own Authentic Emotions
Now you are beyond your childhood, whether abusive or merely lacking in support for your optimal self-development. After such a childhood, most need help to quit suppressing their emotions and to learn how to value and express them.
Somatic Experiencing work with me can help you learn these things.
- Becoming self-aware enough to sense and trust one’s own openness or closure
- Noticing the things we do that stop feelings; e.g., tightening the throat
- Learning what inner experiences can be trusted
- Learning to allow feelings to surface for expression
- Learning healthy ways to express grief, anger, pride, joy, and others