You Can’t Say ‘Yes’ Until You Can Say ‘No’
Becoming true to yourself instead of conforming to others wishes is a fast path to real social freedom
Previously published in the December, 2006 Health Central News
Question:
My 15-year old daughter is being asked out by boys she’s not interested in dating. She doesn’t want to hurt their feelings and doesn’t know what to do. At 48, I’m not much better at handling these situations so I don’t know how to help her.
Answer:
You can never truly say yes to someone until you know you can say no. As women in this culture, you’re heavily programmed to please others, especially boys and men, at the expense of your own needs and desires. But the truth is, you’re only responsible for your feelings, for being true to yourself. If you please him by saying yes to his invitations when you really mean no, aren’t you setting yourself up for a more awkward time later? This is often called “having no boundaries”. And dishonesty doesn’t really do him a favor. When a man gets “yes’s” from a woman, but finds out later that she didn’t really want to be with him, it’s bewildering and hurtful.
As a man, I’d much prefer the women I’m interested in tell me no when she feels disinclined to my invitation. Otherwise, I’ll feel her resentment later on and that’s no fun! If she’s true to herself when she says no, then if she ever says yes to me, she means that too, and that’s exciting! Some men might like you to override your needs to meet theirs, but are those the ones you want to date?
It is possible for a woman to say no to a man in a way that respects the risk he took to show her his interest. “Thanks very much. I’m going to say no, but I really appreciate the invitation,” said with a warm smile leaves no doubt to the “no” and no room for argument while still being kind. You can practice getting comfortable with the “no’s”. Be kind and diplomatic if possible, but especially be true to yourself. Then, one day, some guy will come along to whom you want to say yes, and you’ll both know that yes really means something.
