Deep Process
By Paul Chubbuck
What is a “deep process”?
In childhood, when abuse, loss, or other trauma is experienced, there is often not adequate safety or support to process those feelings after the trauma. Therefore the need to survive and function demands the child suppress any feelings too overwhelming to fully experience. These become stored or frozen deep in the body and nervous system until such a time that there is sufficient support, safety and willingness, conscious or not, to process or “digest” these old feelings. The arising of these old, frozen emotions is what we are calling a “deep process”.
Is there a benefit?
When old, unprocessed feelings about past trauma remain locked up in the body and/or nervous system, there are many negative side effects, including anxiety, depression, anger, relationship difficulties, constrained creativity, suppression of the immune system, and stress-related illnesses. Learning to allow old emotional wounds to be released in a deep process can further a gradual healing which may reverse many of these adverse effects.
What might I experience in a deep process?
You may experience strong feelings of anger, fear, disgust, or grief as well as tears, deep sobbing, shaking with emotion, spontaneous wailing, tingling, tremors, and other releases of pent-up energy that has been stuck in your nervous system and body. If anger is arising, you may feel the urge to kick, punch, or pound, which is fine so long as you do not hurt yourself. Before you surrender to strong anger, make sure you have plenty of large pillows around to allow you to vent without bruising your limbs. The arising of such strong feeling processes can be uncomfortable as we are not accustomed to this in our culture. It may be helpful to remind yourself that, whether you remember it clearly or not, you are literally feeling the emotions and/or sensations from an earlier traumatizing experience. It is important to tell yourself, “that was then, this is now. I am safe today.”
What about making sounds?
Like other mammals, humans make all sorts of sounds, especially when they are fearful, angry, or grieving. Wailing, screaming, shouting, cursing, moaning, and groaning can all be an entirely healthy part of your deep process. If you were told as a child to “shut up”, that “children should be seen and not heard” or repeatedly to “Quiet down!” when you were just having fun, then you will have some inhibitions about accessing the healthy vocalizations which could be a powerful healing part of your deep process. The voice is all about self-expression. If that has been thwarted, your voice may be “frozen”. Voicing these sounds with energy will help to liberate your self-expression from these injunctions. If you have thin walls or unsympathetic neighbors, then bury your face deep in a large pillow to muffle your sounds.
Is a deep process intense?
Sometimes, for some people, a deep process may involve intense feelings of fear, grief, revulsion, or anger, if those are the feelings inside that need to be healed. It is very useful to hold an attitude of gentle curiosity towards any feelings that arise. To each we can say, “that is interesting.” If ever the process feels too intense or scary, you can simply open your eyes, sit up, look around the room, and remind yourself, “that was then, this is now. I am safe now.”
For other people, the process is subtler. There may be some tears along with a spontaneous gentle rocking, as if a baby is being soothed, or you may at some point fall into a deep sleep, usually brief. Or there may be an awareness of energy and sensation flowing through the body as if it is waking up. There may also be many other experiences not named here, unique to you, your past experiences, and your individual healing process. Whatever you are experiencing with deep feelings arising is a sign that you are ready to do a deeper level of healing. There is nothing bad or dangerous about this. If one views it as a “breakdown”, “losing it”, a “panic attack” or with other labels with negative connotations, it is probably because they come from a culture or family which does not know how to work with strong feelings and so tends to teach children to avoid, suppress, deny, hide, distract from, pathologize, or medicate those feelings. All of these strategies postpone healing from trauma and loss. Our culture in general knows little about such deep processes, but those of us working to help people with somatic psychotherapy, breathwork, deep tissue massage, and energy work have experienced and witnessed such deep processes repeatedly. We know that they are, in fact, an important part of the healing process for many people.
I don’t want to indulge in drama or feeling sorry for myself.
As you experience such emotions as overwhelm, grief, rage, helplessness, or hopelessness, it is very important to realize that these are “old feelings” coming up from an earlier time of trauma, often from childhood. Experiencing these sometimes intense emotions does not mean that you are becoming a victim or indulging in unhealthy behavior. Your capacity to function in your world will return in short order. In fact, the willingness to fully experience and process these old feelings will likely enable you to feel more healthy and empowered in your “normal” life.
What triggers a deep process?
Often some interaction in a committed, intimate relationship or with a family member may provide the trigger, or superficial “cause” of the strong emotions arising. You might be thinking to yourself that the other person made you feel this way, or you might be judging yourself for “over-reacting” to the current situation. But your feelings are probably not about the current situation, which merely offers a gateway into deep healing. The details of the trigger, such as who said what to whom, are not important. But the fact that your body and nervous system are ready to experience and process these old feelings is very important. Whatever another person said or did, it is most useful and skillful for your healing process to consider the other person or situation as not the cause, but merely the trigger. It is like pulling the tripwire on an explosive device. It wasn’t stumbling over the tripwire which caused the explosion. That was merely what triggered it. Do your best to avoid focusing on the other person as the cause, especially when the feelings are intense. With this approach, you will likely avoid damaging the relationship while you are in your intense emotions. If you stay with the feelings and allow your own body to experience the deep process fully, you will gradually, over time, become more mentally clear and free yourself from over-reactive tendencies. You may also gain clarity about the relationship dynamics and what you can do to help make it healthier.
What do you mean by “stay with the feelings and body sensations”?
Being able to fully feel our emotions and body sensations is a birthright. Just as a wild animal’s feelings tell it what to eat and what to avoid, your emotions and senses guide your life. However, as already noted, our culture tends to teach children to avoid and distract from feelings. And trauma takes a child still further out of touch with feelings. Consider that children are very sensitive to disapproval, especially from their parents. One firm scolding with “big boys don’t cry!” or “keep that up and I’ll give you something to cry about!” may shut that child’s tears down for the rest of their life, or until they do deep healing work.
To reclaim your emotional birthright and further your healing, be willing to fully feel your emotions and body sensations. Recognize the strategies, such as distractions, addictions, and denial which you learned in childhood to use to avoid overwhelming or scary feelings. You may have been using these for decades. If an addiction is stopped, the uncomfortable feelings you were avoiding will arise. Your first impulse then will probably be to think that it was a bad idea to quit the addiction, but that conclusion only leads back to the addictive cycle, with no healing. Instead, gradually, gently, and without judgment, start making the choice to quit using these strategies and instead, to feel.
Invite feelings to arise by acknowledging them when present. A movie, a piece of music, a dream, a news item, a Facebook post, or a conversation may be your gateway. Also, meditation and other spiritual practices may bring these old feelings closer to the surface. When you notice feeling something, such as a tear, a lump in your throat, or a tightening in chest or belly, that is your gateway. Sit or lay down and quietly bring your attention to your feelings and sensations with gentle curiosity and without distractions. They will come when you and your body feel safe enough to feel and release. Assistance from an experienced professional healer with whom you feel safe may facilitate this arising.
As best you can, ignore the thoughts. The mind will offer all sorts of distracting or worrisome thoughts, dramatic predictions, harsh judgments, and historic speculations on “what happened to me”. These thoughts do not need to be taken as true, important, or helpful. Usually they only serve to raise anxiety and make the experience more difficult. If you cannot ignore the thoughts, simply acknowledge them and gently return your attention to feelings and sensations.
Can I do this alone?
Some people can learn to stay with deep processes alone. For others, aloneness itself is a big trigger because they also felt alone during a previous time of trauma. They may not feel safe enough alone to surrender to their deep process. In that case, if possible, ask a trusted friend, partner, healer, or therapist to sit with you during your process. The helper doesn’t need therapeutic skills beyond knowing how to be present with quiet attention and hand out Kleenex. They should, however, be prepared to place cushions to protect you if you become very active during your process. You should keep interaction with your helper to an absolute minimum as conversation or eye contact will distract you from your process. Accept their quiet, supportive presence and stay inside your own bodily experience. It is a real blessing to have such a friend or partner. Perhaps you can offer them similar support when their deep feelings arise.
I see a lot of images and some of them scare me.
If images arise while feeling deeply, simply notice them. They might be memories or they might be merely fantasies, rather like children sometimes experience at bedtime. You need not decide what the images mean or whether they are memories. Notice them and allow them to pass as you gently continue staying close to the feelings and body sensations. If they are real memories that are important for you, you will remember them for further contemplation after the process is over. Simply be gently curious about whatever is arising. Avoid attaching to any particular sensation or idea. Let it come. Let it go. Accept everything exactly as it is. When asked what his secret was, the sage Krishnamurti answered, “I don’t mind whatever happens.” This is a profound teaching. Practice it during your deep process.
How long will it go on?
No one can say how long a deep process “should” continue or over what period of your life such processes may arise. In a deep process, emotions often come in waves. That is, you may experience a period of intense emotions followed by a period of relative quiet, and then another wave of feeling, and several more of these cycles. If you want the most benefit from releasing the old frozen emotions, avoid distractions during the lulls and wait patiently for the next wave. Only your soul and your body knows how these things should progress. Listen inwardly to learn what you need. As you process through the backlog of old, frozen feelings, it is likely that your processes will become less intense. You may then notice that staying with your feelings and body sensations is no longer uncomfortable, but has become an entirely natural and valued part of your life and your day, and that you easily gain insight and intuitive direction by connecting with yourself and your body in this way.
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